You don’t understand the depths of my emotion,
When you push me into doing things I feel uncomfortable with.
You don’t truly understand the intensity of the anxiety I experience,
So, don’t say that I don’t meet you halfway.
To walk down the street with bustling crowds and flashing lights,
To sit in a class full of commotion and chaos,
To sit in the canteen, desperate for friendship, a sense of belonging,
Causes me immense anxiety and makes me urge to escape.
At college, I have to mask my personality,
Battle my constant fears,
And try to act up to any expectations you set,
And you have the audacity to say I don’t meet you halfway.
I might be lucky – I have all that I need.
But when my anxiety and negative self-talk overflows, I crumble.
Obviously, I’m lucky – autism is a gift, a treasure, something to be proud of,
But I struggle immensely with almost everything you take for granted.
Look at how far I’ve come,
I’ve survived the shudders of secondary school, got through prom,
And started college all on my own.
Would you rather me make continual but gradual progress, or do you want me to fail and break down under pressure?
There’s all or nothing in my world – it’s called black and white thinking – struggling to read between the lines,
I either do something I feel happy and content with or I do absolutely nothing at all.
So, when you push me into doing something: role plays, presentations, a work placement…
I refuse and break down, simply because it’s overwhelming; how do you expect me to cope?
I know you think you know how to help me; you work in the field of inclusive practise,
But actually, you don’t know me – I am an individual with autism.
I am the only one who knows what’s best,
You don’t know me – but I do! Don’t try and put words into my mouth – trust me – it doesn’t work!
My knowledge probably comes across as intimidating,
I’ve researched the condition endlessly.
I’ve devised a set of my own coping mechanisms,
What works for one child with autism, probably won’t work for me – recognising individuality is the key!
Socialising is draining – exhausting and overwhelming,
To say hello to a friend is just as hard for me as starting a job is for you – daunting and frightening,
I have less social energy than you to start with,
So, imagine, how tired I feel by the end of every day – any additional stress and anxiety causes a shutdown – this causes an inability to function or communicate at all.
I may be socially inept, considered as unsociable,
But, sometimes your social skills can be just as poor,
I don’t think you realise how excruciatingly difficult it is for me to make friends at the best of times,
It becomes near impossible to develop a friendship with added pressure.
The frustrations I experience continually, on a day to day basis, may seem unimportant to you – ridiculous maybe,
You can block out the world whenever you want – I can’t,
I am constantly trapped in a world which seems isolating, confusing and demoralising – I feel deflated.
Yet you feel you can make comments, like ‘you’re not meeting me halfway.’
Some may say I’ve been sheltered, protected from the world,
I’ve felt secure for too long,
Well, I’m now in the outer world – being thrown into the deep end,
And I’ve instantly realised one of the most important things.
I’ve said it before and will continue to say it until the message is clear,
Autism is a spectrum condition, but not every person on the spectrum is the same!
The fact is often missed as people with autism share certain traits,
Honestly, we all have different needs and one box doesn’t help us at all – we don’t want to be categorised into what you see as the ‘norm’ or ‘correct way of society.’
I am a person with autism – I am human and I have feelings,
I have a voice and a right to express my own valued opinions,
So, next time you imply you want me to meet you halfway,
Question your knowledge beforehand and consider how making unfair, judgemental, detrimental comments will help me cope.
I will continue to fight for my rights – I’ve fought from the second I was born,
I believe, I should be respected and my differences embraced,
My needs challenged but at my own pace,
My positive contributions and achievements should be acknowledged for one and celebrated for another.
I think you should start listening to my voice, quiet but fierce,
And meet me halfway!
Don’t discriminate or stereotype – just accept and support me, in the suggested ways!
Autism awareness is a highlight for me,
No matter how many books you’ve read, videos you’ve watched or people you’ve spoken to about the subject,
If you haven’t walked my long trudge of a path,
You don’t have the true understanding of the disability.
That’s right – I have a disability,
A hidden disability, where guilt, shame, upset, anger and anxiety threaten to trickle through, when I’m overwhelmed,
My life is a battle – a rollercoaster – a challenge,
So, maybe you should, for once, meet me halfway!
Written by Lauren Smith
A Different Perspective CIC
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